Normal?

What is normal? Christ said, "You've heard it said, but I tell you this..."

My failures and weaknesses haunt me. I am a Martha... consumed with work and projects. I've tried to be exactly how I should... I want to be an affective speaker, loving with my family, influential with my friends... I am all too aware of what i'm not good at however. I fail at having meaningful conversations without making it awkward. I chase people away with my bluntness. I watch those who are good at loving and listening... and realize how stained I am with pride. Starting what I can't finish, I disappoint. Hoping to be noticed my my talents, I resort to building what I love to do. Although finding that a compliment, though sweet, is not satisfying.

The fact is, the more I try to be something the more unnatural it is. Therefore, can I see my failures are a gift? If I could do the things I wanted, I would be filled with self satisfaction. What need have I for God when I can use my own resources? What must I do to overcome this?

I resolve that there is nothing I can do without Christ. My only pursuit is to fight this nature of mine. No, no... that is not right either. I can't even do that on my own. Is there nothing I can fight against? I do so want to struggle with something. It is my nature to struggle. I suppose then, it can be concluded that I am fighting my nature to fight. What a retched person I find myself contained in. When my soul is released is when I will find the end of this complex problem.

Baby, I was born this way.

Being from a line of sinful people all the way to Adam, it's just something I shall have to deal with. Humbling myself to the Christ, the One who saves is my only salvation from the world and it's lies and traps. Worldly pleasures are overrated... I'm living with the Lamb now. Inconsistency is my constant friend.. but if writing is what gets me on the right path once again, I welcome the chance to tap the keys.

Morning!

I woke up this morning, and knew what I wanted. And what i believe God wants for me.

I've always struggled with where i'm supposed to go in life. I feel, I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me... what am I supposed to choose to do though? This question has been a constant burden to me. But I woke up to hearing Toby Mac on the radio. He loves God. He loves what he does and he does it all for the Glory of God. He puts his family first. He praises God with his work. He witnesses to the reason for his happiness. That is what I want to model my life after.

As Toby says, I want God to steal the show.

Project: Action

Phase one: Determine a direction.

I'm learning to follow my gut feeling, which, when you get to the core of it, is relatively easy to follow... but not so easy to follow through. My soul seems to know what to do, but the outside of me has to deal with the work and consequences of putting these things in to action.

I now more fully understand what is meant by "the Spirit is willing, but the body is oh-so-weak." (emphasis added)